This morning, I woke up with a lump in my throat. That tingly, hard to swallow feeling when you're on the verge of tears. Then it hit me... Today is the last day of my summer break.
On Monday morning, I will be returning back to work for the 2018-2019 school year. For the first time in 6 years, today brought me a sadness. A feeling of panic, almost. Does it really have to be over so soon?
Before anyone gets on their soapbox about teachers getting 3 months off, don't. Just don't.
First off, we do NOT get 3 months off for summer. I taught summer school for the first 2 weeks of summer break, so my summer break didn't start until the middle of June. I have had 8 weeks off work, NOT 3 months.
OK, I know, 8 weeks is by far a lot more than most get off of work each year. Most people have to work 20+ years to even get 4 weeks off during the summer. I'm not complaining. Seriously, I'm not complaining. I'm extremely thankful for getting so much time off work. It just doesn't make it any easier to accept when those 8 weeks come to an end, and I'm faced with the realization that I have to start wearing work clothes and limiting when I can go to the bathroom, again.
It's weird, actually. For the past 5 years, I'm ready to return back to work by the middle of July. Around that time, I start cracking out my curriculum guides, lesson plans from last year, and start Googling for new lesson ideas. I usually spend a week or so planning the first few weeks of school, I go back to my classroom the minute the floors are finished with their waxing, and I'm ready to jump into a new school year. Usually, I'm just bored of being home, and I'm ready to start to just be doing something.
This summer was very, very different.
If you read my post from the other day, you know I had a miscarriage this summer. Not the fondest of summer memories. I spent 2 weeks teaching summer school, sharing my excitement of my pregnancy with my co-workers, only to find out 2 weeks later that there was no baby. You also know that the miscarriage did a lot in bringing my husband and I closer than we've ever been. It also affected me in a way I didn't expect. For the first time IN MY LIFE, it made me want to be a stay-at-home mom/ wife.
Believe me, if you know me personally, you'd know that me being a stay-at-home mom/ wife is NOT something I'd ever in a million years thought I'd want to do. It's just not (or wasn't) me. I've had a job since I was 14 years old. Working outside the home is something I've always done, and what I've always wanted to do. It gives me interaction with others, I learn a lot, and it keeps me busy. I like being busy.
This summer, I've been busy. Busy dealing with emotions. Busy with rediscovering myself. Busy with analyzing what I want out of life. Busy writing, building my blog, and learning about the world of being a freelance writer. Busy keeping my house clean, laundry done, and making sure food is ready when my husband comes home from work. All from the comfort of my home, in my pajamas. And, despite all the trauma, I've been happy, completely content, and enjoying the experiences as they've been taking place.
Through all the turmoil, I've found a new passion for my writing. Casey forced helped me to start writing again, as a way to deal with everything that's been going on. He inspired me to start a new blog, start telling my "stories" again, and even told me that I should look at doing some writing for money. After a couple days of research, I found a site that has given me some small writing jobs, and they have been fun. It's also been really nice to "work" on my own schedule.
Once Casey leaves for work, I check emails, I respond to comments, and then I write my blog. Once that's done, I work on any articles I'm writing or editing, or apply for some writing or editing jobs. Then, I get my cleaning done around the house or I watch some TV. I periodically work and clean throughout the day, and then start getting ready to make dinner. It's become my routine, and I've really got to love the freedom of working when I want, cleaning when I want, and just being able to watch some TV or take a nap if I want.
It has been such a relaxing, carefree summer. And now, it's over.
My summer isn't going to impact my job. I'm still a teacher, and still love teaching children. It's just that I've found a new appreciation for being a stay-at-home mom/wife, and it's something I'm now considering if Casey and I are blessed with another baby.
Of course, I don't know if I'll ever be able to make enough money writing from home to quit my job. Bills still have to be paid, food still has to be put on the table, and 2 incomes are needed to support our family. Teaching has been my passion for 25 years, actually doing so for the past 6. I love teaching. I just love taking care of my family more.
It's going to be a tough transition, going back to work. I know my summer won't have any impact on my actual work. I'll still be a kick-butt teacher. In fact, rebooting my love of writing will actually make me a better teacher. I teach reading and writing because I love those subjects, but being able to share my own experiences with my students makes me a better teacher, in my opinion.
I'm going to miss being home. I'm going to miss the free time I had to write. I'm going to miss cleaning the house and cooking dinner for my husband, when he gets home. I'm just going to miss the relaxing, less stress, laid back environment that I've been soaking up for 8 weeks.
But, as they say, all good things must come to an end. It's time to suck it up, put my big girl pants on, and face that my care-free summer life is over.
My hopes are that I will eventually get pregnant again, my writing career takes off, and I may be able to consider being a stay-at-home mom at some point. Until then, it's time to get my head back in the game, get ready to inspire the lives of my students, and go back to the joy of juggling work and home.
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